CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
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When we bought our first country property in 1988, the woods around the pond was full of brush. My husband is a do-it-yourself-er kinda guy and decided to tackle this overwhelming mess. He requested my help on this big “weekend” project.
We owned an old Toyota Landcruiser at the time. In fact, I often called it the Fred Flintstone vehicle because it had a hole in the floor where you could put your feet through and walk it, if needed. It also had no muffler so it sounded like an army tank when it ran. The driver’s side window was stuck about halfway, and we needed to tie the door closed with a rope. But wow, could it go through snow, mud, and brush! One Saturday morning, we fired up the ol’ baby and noisily rumbled through the mud to the brush and fallen trees. My husband started a fire to burn the brush, and with enthusiasm, he cranked up the chainsaw and started felling the 10-foot high brush and 20-foot high crooked trees. He would tie these brambly things to the back of the Landcruiser and then shout over the din for me to move forward, back up, slow down, or stop. The only problem was that he used these words for his signals: “Slow! Whoa! Go!” Now think about it. Trees banging to the ground, a fire crackling, a chainsaw growling, a mufflerless Landcruiser roaring. All I could hear was, “O” or “O” or “O.” Of course, I was trying to use my judgment about whether to move, stay put, slow down, or back up. Unfortunately, usually I was wrong. I would back up when he wanted me to move forward or vice versa, and so he would shout another “O” word, “No!” which I heard as “Go.” Can you just picture this scene? Now I can’t image why, but he became… shall we say… intense with me and started yelling at me, among other choice words, “You’re not listening!”
As he wiped the sweat from his brow and powered down the chain saw, he retorted, “I can’t hear you.” “I know-O-O-O-O,” I responded. “O, O, O—that’s all I hear from you!” He started laughing. So I started laughing too. Amidst all the thundering noise, we had a breakthrough in communication. I chose to share this real-life example because it ended with a happy resolution. But as we were learning to respect each other, not all our confrontations ended this way. Sometimes one or the other of us needed to carry out the consequences to our boundaries. |
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As my husband and I continued exercising together and reminiscing about this true happening of over 20 years past, he said, “You know, Lin, by setting that boundary, you were actually improving our communication.”
And that’s what setting and respecting boundaries do—improve relationships through improved communication and mutual respect. |
boundaries improve relationships. |
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- Speak to your husband about your boundaries—from meekness of heart. Meekness—God’s power under Spirit control.
HOW DO YOU EXPRESS
ANGER AND HURT?Constructive,
positive expressions:Anger—a helpful tool used to identify a problem. When you feel angry, acknowledge it and ask the Lord for wisdom.
“I’m angry, Lord.
Give me wisdom to address the problem at the right time.”Hurt—a genuine feeling that your husband needs to acknowledge. When you feel hurt, acknowledge it and address your husband.
”When you yell at me,
I feel hurt.”Destructive,
negative expressions:Anger—a vindictive, self-righteous pride that demands.
”No one will talk to me that way.
I don’t deserve it.”Hurt—a means of escape which draws you away from addressing the issue at hand or leads you to a “self” pity-party for your woundedness.
”I must not respond to my husband’s sin because I will be labeled a Jezebel.”
(fear of man)I must take this verbal abuse because I am sharing in the sufferings of Christ.”
(false martydom)If I had not spoken to my husband, he would have kept on frustrating both of us because he simply didn’t know what I was hearing him say. He knew what he meant, but I didn’t. A woman who walks in Christ-like meekness taps in to the infinite resources of God made available through His Spirit living in her.
She need not put on the oppressive images man-made teachings advocate.
Meekness does not equal accepting verbal abuse from your spouse. The purpose of conflict in marriage is to grow you in relationship with each other and with the Lord. Don’t let these opportunities for growth slip by in the name of doormat submission or misunderstood meekness.
During a conflict, you can use the anger or hurt you feel in either a constructive, positive way to build your relationship or in a destructive, negative way to build barriers in your relationship with your spouse and with the Lord (see sidebar to your left).
Use your emotions in a constructive way—with meekness—as you tap in to the infinite wisdom and resources of the Lord.
Let Him teach you to address your husband not from a heart full of anger, hurt, or pride, but from a genuine meek heart full of the power and authority of God Whose utmost desire is to see each of us set free from what binds to the riches of liberty in Christ (Luke 4:18).
- Set a consequence if the boundary is broken—a consequence you are willing and able to carry out.
Because I set a boundary with a clear consequence—speak to me with clarity and respect or I will leave—and because my husband respected that boundary, the problem was solved. But what would have happened if my husband had not respected my boundary?
Had he kept saying, “No, Slow, Go, Whoa” or kept yelling at me, I also set the consequence for his disrespect toward me: I told him I would not help him anymore.
A healthy marriage reflects Christ and His Bride;
verbal abuse is not a part of this relationship.Help your husband
where he is to meet
the Lord of your life,
Who is more than able
to set each of you free from what binds.I would have left him to work alone—the consequence of his choice not to respect me.
For eight years, our marriage communication was full of disrespect to one another. Thankfully, as we began to set boundaries, our communication improved. We no longer have these kinds of disrespectful communications issues in our marriage at all.
- Don’t expect to change your husband; rather, change your response to your husband.
Throughout the early years of our marriage, I had to learn the hard way that I cannot change my husband. I can pray for Him. I can hope that he will open his heart to the Lord, but I cannot change him.
However, I had learned what I can change is my response to him. When he stepped over the boundaries of disrespect, instead of responding with false martyrdom, disingenuous meekness, or doormat submission, I could set a consequence.
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The common assumption is that when a man is meek it is because he cannot help himself; but the Lord was meek because had the infinite resources of God at His command. It is equanimity* of spirit that is neither elated nor cast down, simply because ~Vine’s Expository Dictionary
*Evenness of mind, especially under stress Collegiate Dictionary |
is not centered on self but rather on Godly growth in both your lives, it is offered with meekness. That consequence would do one or both of the following:
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Our children love to hear us repeat this “Slow, Whoa, Go, No” story. They become the tank-Landcruiser, the roaring chainsaw, the crackling fire, and the booming trees, while my husband yells, “Slow, Whoa, Go, No” over the din. We all laugh and reminisce about days gone by when we share with them how we were learning to communicate with each other before they were even with us.
As I was growing through this process of learning to set boundaries with my husband, sometimes I would need a “heart” correction. God Himself would come alongside me through my everyday circumstances and gently correct me. You can read about one of those times here.
Renew this woman’s mind about genuine meekness of heart.
Teach her by Your Spirit
to walk in the power of Christ-like meekness
within her marriage.
Release her from doormat submission and false martyrdom
to the well-spring of Your Life, love, and liberty.
May her marriage grow to reflect Christ and His Bride!
Thank You, Lord!
while it is called today;
lest any of you be hardened
through the deceitfulness of sin.
~Hebrews 3:13
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