Child Training without anger
When one mom’s little boy became physically angry with her as she was training him, I shared with her this example from my own experiences of training young ones:
My two-year-old loved to poke his fingers into his baby sister’s eyes, just to see them blink. So I set up a rule for him by telling him what he could not do and why, and then I told him what he could do. I also set up the consequences for disobeying that rule.
For example, "Darlin’, you may not poke your fingers near your sister's eyes.. Never! If you want to touch her, you may stroke her little toes like this. You may touch her arm like this. If you move your fingers near her eyes, Mommy or Poppy will spank you. It is not respectful or honoring to poke your fingers near people's eyes."
Now, of course, he poked his fingers near his sister’s eyes, and so I said something like, “Oh, Darlin’, do you remember that you are not allowed to poke your fingers near her eyes? Remember, you could have touched her toes like this or touched her arms like this. You disobeyed Mommy. What does Mommy have to do now? I have to spank you. Come with me now. Do not fuss about it. It was clear that you disobeyed, right?"
If he fusses about the spanking, sit him on a chair or on his bed or somewhere where he can rant and rave and not hurt himself. Then when he's all done, go to him and say, "Now that you are calm, it is time for the spank."
Before you spank him, tell him that you are training him to respect his sister and that you will spank him every time he tries to poke at her eyes. No anger on your part. Let him be childish. But don't waiver on the spank.
Don't spank when he's angry,
nor when you're angry.
When the spank is over, talk to him. "Mommy loves you so much, Sweetie. You're my sweet boy and I want you to grow up into a Godly man. Godly men respect people. Poking fingers in a baby's eyes is not respectful. That's why I have to spank you when you do it. I love you." Lots of hugging after that.
Noelene responded:
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I did try your suggestion today. You said don't spank when he's angry. I had said no to something he asked to do and he became cheeky with me. I told him that I have to spank him now, and the cheekiness got worse. I continued to speak calmly to him and told him that as soon as he calmed down, he would receive a spank. He did calm down and stayed calm after I had spanked him. I'll continue with this and everything else I am reading about in your articles.
—Noelene
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Linda responded:
God has allowed you to work out this verse: The anger of man (and/or child in this case) does not produce the righteousness of God. What a beautiful lesson. Thank you for sharing!
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Bringing Your Child Alongside You
One desperate mom wrote:
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I found your website and it's really been encouraging to me. Thank you for listening as I'm sure I will be rambling here, but I'm desperate.
I'm having a very difficult time with my six-year-old daughter's disobedience, and I'm almost to the point of giving up. I know I have no patience and tend to get angry easily.
For example, I asked her to throw something away. She refused. I tried to get her to obey. She runs and sits under the table smirking at me. Then my seven-week-old baby starts crying to be fed.
What am I supposed to do?
I try to wait it out. Then I end up yelling as the baby cries more, and it's just a vicious cycle. It's so hard to know what to do when she refuses to listen and I'm in a hurry or tired or the baby needs me.
I'm also an introvert. Being with people wears me out.
When I do try to spend time with my daughter, she ends up not listening or doing something annoying or wants to do some incredibly boring inane thing.
How do I cultivate a relationship with her (that I know I've neglected up to this point I admit that), when I'm breastfeeding a newborn all day long?
I feel trapped and resentful. I hate not enjoying my daughter and the fact that she will only listen to me if I threaten to throw away her toys.
Help!
Thank you for your time.
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Linda responded:
Hello!
I have been praying for you. Specifically, I have been asking the Lord to
show you how He is speaking to you, His beloved daughter, through these
circumstances.
Based on what you wrote to me, I can see two possible areas for
you to consider: patience and perseverance.
When moms feel like giving up because their parenting isn't producing the fruit they want, Father-God is working on perseverance in mom's life. Mom's limited resources are exhausted, and that exhaustion and desperation that you mentioned are ways
God is “speaking.”
I pray that you will begin to see how God speaks to you. He loves you and is trying to get your attention, just like you are trying to get your daughter's attention.
Your example is also interesting to me. You asked your daughter to throw
something away and she refused. Prayerfully ask the Lord to show you what He is asking you to throw away that you may be refusing.
- Is your life too busy?
- Do you need to
create margin?
- Is he asking you to throw out your
impatience?
I don't know the answer for your particular circumstances, but
I am offering ideas for you to prayerfully consider. He will give you the specific guidance you need for your individual life.
One more observation. Do you see how your daughter's hiding under the table parallels your desire to just give up and run away? God is speaking to your heart through these circumstances. Grow into more of His heart by
developing the ears to hear. Parenting is as much for you as it is for your
precious daughter.
Now to your daughter. At this point instead of giving her chore to do
(i.e., "Throw something away"), bring her alongside you as you throw away that thing together. That is what God is doing for you, His precious daughter (He is bringing you alongside Himself), to teach you how to bring your daughter alongside you.
Apply this principle of bringing her alongside you not only in throwing away
something but also in everyday routine things like:
- making her bed (let her do it
with you),
- preparing a snack (let her do it with you),
- taking a walk and picking some flowers.
Choose only one thing each day, as the Spirit of God leads you, and build upon that one thing over time.
Enjoy the time with your daughter. Instead of seeing what she wants to do
as "incredibly boring and inane," let her show you the wonder of discovery
as she plays and you join in.
I hope you feel free to contact me again with other specific examples so we
can dialogue via email, if you're willing.
~Linda
Lord, open this dear sister’s eyes to Your love for her and Your ways of training her, Your precious child. Help her to see her daughter's growth the way You see this mom’s growth—as a process that needs to be nurtured with unconditional love and
grace.
This desperate mom replied about a week later:
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Dear Linda,
I just wanted to thank you for the time you spent writing me back and for your prayers.
I can use all the help I can get for sure.
I started doing your Guided Meditations for Spiritual Growth, and something finally clicked as I was meditating on God is love. What a perfect example for me in my parent-child relationship with my daughter. God loves me no matter what. And I find that I want to obey God because I love Him too and I want to please Him, not out of fear of consequences (although that's in the back of my mind too :).
I plan to cultivate a closer relationship with my daughter, showing her my love more intensely (e.g., playing games she wants to play, letting her get in the bed with me while feeding the baby even if I don't feel up to it, etc.), in the hope that she will want to obey me because she loves me not because she might get a toy taken away.
Now children are children and I know it doesn't always work that way, but I know it's more difficult to disobey someone when you don't want to disappoint them.
So far, I can already see a difference. She loves to help, and sometimes I cringe because she takes so long to do anything or I worry she will just make another big mess. But the other day I let her wash all the big pots in the sink. She took forever to do it, but she had so much fun, and it allowed me to do other chores in the kitchen like clean the counters, put dishes away, etc. So I guess it's not so bad after all to just let go and not freak out about stuff like that so much.
Anyway, that's my current theory and I could be all wrong, but meditating on God is love this past week has been a great soothing balm for me. Thank you for guiding me to this obvious truth. Your words really ring true to me, and I want to thank you for your website.
I have never seen a website put things quite like you do, and it sparks some deep thing inside me that says, “This Linda person is on to something!” Thank you so much.
Take care…
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Linda responded:
Dear “no longer desperate” mom!
Praise the Lord for this testimony!
God is so good to reveal Himself to us, isn't He? It always amazes me how He speaks to us individually through our relationships and circumstances. We only need to cultivate the ears to hear Him (not an easy task in our busy lives, which is why creating margin is so important).
I am so thankful and am rejoicing with you that you are beginning to renew your mind about God's love for you and about your response to His love. He is parenting you! :-) He is bringing you alongside Himself by His Spirit to love you through parenting your own children. This is what He has done for me too. Praise Him!
Even though our lives will look different because our relationships and circumstances are different, the underlying principle will be the same:
Receiving God's love releases us to love others.
He is doing that in your life too, my dear sister. He will do the same for anyone who is serious about
responding to Him in willing obedience. Ultimately, that obedience will lead to responsible liberty.
As far as fear of consequences, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. As you abide IN Christ Jesus, you will still make mistakes in life (all a part of your growth) but you will learn from them. You will also
sin but repent quickly.
There will be no condemnation as you abide. This principle will apply to parenting your own children as well. As you love them and they respond with obedience, your relationship will grow. Because of the deep relationship you develop, their obedience to you will become responsible liberty before you... and you will rejoice with them.
This is God speaking to your heart so obviously when you write:
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"I plan to cultivate a closer relationship with my daughter, showing her my love more intensely (e.g., playing games she wants to play, letting her get in the bed with me while feeding the baby even if I don't feel up to it, etc.), in the hope that she will want to obey me because she loves me not because she might get a toy taken away."
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Taking away toys and privileges is behavior modification, not heart training. Others disagree with me on this, and that's fine. We each need to work through our own processes with the Lord.
As you have read on the site, there is a time for individual, grace-based rules (a very short time in a young child's life) but eventually children can transition to standards of conduct within which they must choose how to respond in specific situations which builds towards responsible liberty in their lives.
And what you wrote here reflects how you are growing in obedience:
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"She loves to help, and sometimes I cringe because she takes so long to do anything or I worry she will just make another big mess. But the other day I let her wash all the big pots in the sink. She took forever to do it, but she had so much fun, and it allowed me to do other chores in the kitchen like clean the counters, put dishes away, etc. So I guess it's not so bad after all to just let go and not freak out about stuff like that so much. " |
You are letting your daughter be a child, bringing her alongside you, and dying to self ("not freaking out" is how you are phrasing that). Obeying God is really not so bad after all, indeed :-)
Please keep me updated on your growth. I love to watch women grow, even through cyberspace.
Your obedience is not only blessing your daughter but blessing your Father as well. Let the Spirit continue to lead you for your particular relationships and circumstances. Your fears will fall away as your fear/respect/love of the Lord grows.
Let Him in and He will pour out.
The process is humbling, and the fruit is beyond what you can ask or imagine.
Thank You, Lord, for this mom’s willing and obedient heart. Release her to more of Your love so she can pour Your love out to her daughter, baby, and husband. Knit their hearts together in love and prepare them all for their part in the Church, the Body of Christ.
With much love and thanksgiving for your willingness to share with me and with other readers of this site. Your testimony has blessed me, and I pray it will bless others who are reading it now!
~Linda
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Christian parenting
Christian parenting
