ARTICLES ON PARENTING
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FAIR: Although the above definition is not a dictionary definition, Is the concept of fair means equal Biblical? |
I enjoy doing Word/word studies, and my study of this word fairness was fascinating to me. It’s so enlightening to compare the definitions between the original Hebrew and Greek words with the 1828 dictionary’s and a modern-day dictionary’s definitions.
to describe someone's complexion or
to report a condition of the weather.
Even in today’s modern dictionary, the concept of “fairness means equal” does not exist. I wonder where that distorted concept originated?
Let’s examine the above statement a little more closely.
If you stop to think about it, our flesh does not really want what's fair but rather our flesh wants what it perceives will satisfy its lusts.
 Example 1. Let’s say your daughter gets migraine headaches. It would be fair if your son got migraines too, right? But your son’s flesh doesn't lust for migraines; the flesh doesn't want what's fair in this situation.
Example 2. But let’s say your son received a stuffed animal as a gift but your daughter didn’t receive any. Then her flesh may scream, "That's not fair! Why don’t I get the same thing as my brother?" Her flesh wants to satisfy its lust for materialism.
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Attempting Fairness The examples below expand upon these points. |
If you believe that “fair means equal,” you will act on that belief.
You will:
- try to treat each child the same (even though this is contrived)! For example, you may set a timer so each child gets an equal amount of time to play with a certain toy.
- try to solve your children’s issues rather than address their character. Many of these issues start by the child telling you, “Well, he started it.”
- look at the surface behavior of others rather than their character, circumstances, and maturity and teach your children to do the same by your example.
If you reject the belief that “fair means equal,” you will act on that belief. You will:
- treat each child differently, as an individual, rather than trying to treat them equally in everything. Why? Because each child is different. Affirm those differences and teach your children contentment.
- train them to look for ways that they can lay down their lives for each other by giving up what is not important (and sometimes even what is important) and can minister to the other person rather than making sure everything is fair, which is a contrived standard.
- teach them to value the individuality, circumstances, and maturity of others rather than comparing their sameness (or lack thereof).
God does not treat each of us the same because each of us is created differently to function as a different part of His Body.
Look at how he dealt with the children of Israel (babes in Christ, so to speak): with the Law.
But as Christians mature, God deals with us through relationship with Him, through His Spirit. That's how we are to deal with our children as well: first with the “Law” that leads them to Christ and then through relationship where they have much freedom in Christ.
pit parent against child
and child against child as well.
Also these kinds of teachings on fairness encourage us to compare ourselves to others, which causes discontentment in our lives and the lives of our children.
Christ is.
Example 1.
”It’s my turn.” Set the timer?
When your young children are playing with toys and you hear one of them say things like, "I want that" and grab it or "It's my turn now; you've been playing with it longer than I have," remind them that
Suggest to the one grabbing or whining that she say this: "When you're finished with that toy, may I play with it? I'll wait."
Suggest to the one who is currently playing with the toy: “I’ll be happy to share this with you when I’m finished. I should be done in about 10 minutes.”
Set no time limit for how long each one plays so that it's fair.
Why?
Because if you set a timer, your children will not be satisfied with their current activity as they wait for that timer to ding. They will be looking at what another has and comparing instead of finding satisfaction in what they currently have.
not yearning for what you don’t have but
being thankful for what you do have.
Perhaps the more mature child (that doesn’t necessarily mean the older child) will have to wait until tomorrow to play with that particular toy! The less mature one (that doesn’t necessarily mean the younger one) will learn over time to wait and learn to ask instead of grab because you are training them specifically to be content and because they have the examples of the more mature ones before them.
Example 2.
Be yourself. Be content.
My son enjoys drawing, whereas my daughter does not. My son currently keeps his drawings neatly tucked away in binders, but when he was younger I hung his drawings up around the house.
One day my daughter asked, "Why don't you ever hang up any of my stuff?"
And I answered, "Because you don't make any stuff to hang up. But it's okay. We enjoy listening to the poems you recite, the music you play, and the play-acting you do. You don't need to be an artist like your brother."
The sibling jealousy and rivalry was curtailed in her life before it began because I obeyed God by affirming who she is and led her to rejoice with her brother's giftings rather than to compare herself to him.
Rejoice with—rather than compare yourself with—others.
Now that they are teens because each of them respects the other as individuals, they appreciate one another and learn from each other.
Example 3.
”Why don’t you expect from him what you expect from me?”
When the older child is dissatisfied with how you discipline the younger, it's again a question of “fair means equal” in his mind.
Remind your children that fair does not mean equal.
You would not expect your first-grader to do the laundry, although your 10th-grader can. It would be fair if they both took turns at the laundry, but it certainly wouldn’t be right.
| Personal Example.
My children like me to repeat stories to them. When this problem first arose, I told them this story: “When your brother was two years old, he got very sick and threw up all day, even if I gave him water or jello or Pedialite popsicles. “The next day he was still recovering from his sickness. As he was sitting in his high chair, all he could eat was jello. Of course, the rest of us were eating more than jello for supper. “He would point at our plates and cry for the food, but Mommy and Poppy knew that he wasn't ready for 'real' food yet. Now, it would have been fair to give him the food we were eating, but it wouldn't have been right because it would make him sick again. “Mommy and Poppy pray that we will know what is right for each of you, and you need to trust us just like we trust God when he sets boundaries in our lives.” |
The abiding parent will receive wisdom from God to know what is right for each particular situation.
The older child has to trust that the parent is doing what is best for that particular situation. The child will trust the parent who has built a relationship with the child over time.
Example 4.
”He started it.”
try to solve the issues between your children.
It’s fruitful to
address your children’s character
when issues arise.
When my children were younger, they would bicker. I would take them to the “hot seat,” (i.e., my lap), look them in the eyes, and ask them one of two questions:
- “What did you do that was right?”
- “What did you do that was wrong?”
Sometimes the child would evade the question by answering:
“Well, he started it.”
My response?
It matters who ends it.”
Then I would proceed with the “hot seat” questioning, helping them to identify ways they could exercise Godly character while working through the issue. I really didn’t care who started it.
A little sidenote: My oldest child reminded me that it has been years since I have heard the “Well, he started it” response. In fact, I’m glad she reminded me of this example or I would have completely forgotten about it.
We moms need to stop wanting life to be fair, stop comparing ourselves to others, and stop yearning for what we don’t have.
Instead, we must contentedly dwell in the reality of our circumstances, prayerfully examine what’s in our hearts which is manifested by our behavior, and begin rejoicing with those who rejoice.
is much harder than
mourning with those who mourn.
As we ourselves find Life in Christ, we will model His Life-in-us before our children. His love will draw them to us and ultimately to Him.
Instead of attempting fairness and comparing your children to each other and/or comparing yourself and your circumstances to others:
- Rejoice in the unique circumstances that make up your lives instead of coveting the circumstances of others.
- Be content—not complacent—with who you are and are becoming.
- Be content—not complacent—with who your children are and are becoming.
for my husband, my children, my circumstances.
By the power of Your Spirit,
teach me not to compare but to become content.
is great gain.
~I Timothy 2:6
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