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Feel free to print the example below from this series of Articles on Parenting and sit down with it over a cup of tea.
When I was struggling through trying to learn to child train, I wanted to peek into another mom’s home just to get some practical ideas of how to apply principles to my own child training but found very little, if any, help.
I pray that as you read, the Lord will help you to extract principles that are needful for your particular circumstances related to child training.
If you are applying principles differently in your home and there is peace and healthy relational buds and/or fruit, please continue on with the way God is leading you. This is only an example for your prayerful consideration.
My older children still remember the “hot seat”—my lap, the “seat” part of the “hot seat.”
When my children were bickering about issues, I used this “hot seat” time to teach them about right and wrong and about the importance of relationships.
They sat in my lap, one by one, as I looked into their eyes and penetrated their hearts with poignant, focused, and sometimes uncomfortable questions—the “hot” part of the “hot seat.”
I wasn’t angry, just straightforward. In fact, sometimes I even smiled and made my children laugh to bring home a point. I like to laugh, don’t you? A merry heart is good medicine.
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In 2006, my six-year-old son (I’ll call him “Son” in this story) was learning about concrete ways to deal with his anger; he had quite the temper for such a young ‘un.
CORRECTION
AND
INSTRUCTION
Correction and Instruction begins with foundational training.
- I taught him that anger can be bad or good.
Anger is good because it is a signal that something is wrong,
but acting out in anger is bad
because the acting out means you are hurting someone.
I instructed him about the three good ways to deal with his anger:
- Talk about your feelings with the person towards whom you feel anger;
- Tell the person that you are angry and need to walk away to cool down a little; or
- Come to Mommy for help.
Those were the only three options he had at the time for dealing with his anger.
I asked him to tell me what he cannot do when he is angry.
He said, “I can’t hit, kick, throw anything, or yell.”
Those were all the things he did, so I knew he understood that those things were wrong since he could identify them.
In the past, when he did those things, during the child training, I would ask him, “Is hitting (or whatever behavior he had done) right or wrong? Why is it wrong? Should you do it again?”
The initial groundwork instruction took place about a year before the following incident, and I often reminded him about his three options when he would become angry.
I knew another child-training “opportunity” would be on its way soon.
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CHILD -
TRAINING
OPPORTUNITY
Sure enough, I heard him out at the swingset yelling at his siblings at the top of his lungs. So I called him into the house. He was breathing heavily and sighing and tears were streaming down his face. I sat him in the “hot seat.”
He kept saying, “Brother yelled at me. He was yelling.”
Mom:
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I’ll talk with Brother later. Right now I’m talking to you. Were you yelling?
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Son:
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Yes, but Brother yelled first.
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Mom:
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Is yelling right or wrong?
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Son:
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It’s wrong but Brother yelled at me first. Why only I get spanked for yelling and not Brother?
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Mom:
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I’m not planning to spank you right now. I only want to know why you were yelling.
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Son:
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I was yelling because Brother yelled at me.
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Mom:
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If you see someone doing something wrong, does that mean you can do something wrong too?
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Son:
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(sighing). Nooooooo……
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Mom:
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When you see somebody doing something wrong, what should you do?
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Son:
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I don’t know.
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Mom:
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Well, you are sighing and talking loudly right now to Mommy. Am I talking loudly and sighing at you?
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Son:
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(sighing). Nooooooo……
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Mom:
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Am I doing the right thing or the wrong thing?
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Son:
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The right thing.
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Mom:
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So, even though you are doing the wrong thing, I am CHOOSING to do the right thing, right?
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Son:
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Yessssss…..
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Mom:
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Is that the kind of example you should follow? To choose to do the right thing even when someone else is doing the wrong thing?
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Son:
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[Much more repentant-looking] Yes, Mommy.
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Mom:
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Now that you’re calmer, you can probably remember the three things you can choose when you start to feel angry. What are they?
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Son:
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Talk about it, walk away and calm down, or come to you (FYI, for the last year we’ve been working on remembering these three things. It took him a while to remember all three).
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Mom:
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Did you do any of those things?
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Son:
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Noooooo…..
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Mom:
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Did your anger take over and control you? |
Son:
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Yes.
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Mom:
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Is anger bad?
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Son:
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Yes.
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Mom:
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No, anger is not bad. Only when anger takes over and controls you—that’s when it’s bad. Was anger controlling you?
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Son:
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I don’t know.
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Mom:
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Well, how do you know when anger controls you?
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Son:
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I don’t know.
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Mom:
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Well, when anger controls you, are you happy and kind to people? (Then I play-acted a happy, kind face and action). Is that how you were out at the swing set?
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Son:
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No (kinda giggling).
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Mom:
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How were you out at the swingset?
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Son:
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Yelling.
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Mom:
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So one way you know for sure that anger is controlling you is that you are yelling, right?
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Son:
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Yes.
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Mom:
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So was anger controlling you?
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Son:
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Yes.
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Mom:
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Is it right or wrong when you let your anger control you?
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Son:
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Wrong.
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Mom:
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Tell me again what you could have done instead of letting your anger control you
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Son:
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Come to you.
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Mom:
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Yes, that’s one thing. It’s good that you know about that, isn’t it? That way, when you feel that anger bubbling up inside of you, you can remember that you don’t have to let it control you and you can choose not to yell, right? You can come to Mom instead. Did you come to Mom?
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Son:
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No.
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Mom:
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That’s why I called you in. I wanted you to come to me so I could help you because I love you, Buddy. I want you to learn to choose to do the right thing. Do you want to learn to choose the right thing?
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Son:
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Yes, Mommy.
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Mom:
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That’s a good thing.
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Then we hugged and I listened to his side of the story.
Basically, he was playing with some stick near the bottom of the slide. Brother asked him to move away from the bottom of the slide because Brother thought Son might hurt someone. Son did not move away.
Just then a bee flew into the playhouse at the top of the slide where Sister was. When she screamed and flew down the slide, Son turned to see why she was screaming and he hit her with the stick.
She started to cry, and compassionate Brother went to see if she was hurt. Then he said in a strong voice, “I told you to move away from the bottom of the slide and you didn’t listen to me.”
That’s when Son started yelling at Brother.
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Then I called Brother in, and he told me the same story.
I asked him if he thought his younger brother hit Sister on purpose. Brother thought it was an accident.
I asked Brother, “Did you yell at your little brother?”
Sheepishly Brother said, “Well, I spoke a little harsh, but I wasn’t yelling. He doesn’t respect me, Mommy. If he had done what I asked, then this whole thing wouldn’t have happened.”
I had a marvelous talk with Brother about obeying parents all the time (which he usually does) on issues like this one because parents have more wisdom to foresee a problem. I also talked about his growing in character and his harsh tone.
I told him I understood how hard it is to keep calm when dealing with someone who doesn’t do what you ask (or only partially does what you ask) because I have dealt with that over the years with all five children. He understood.
Then I called Son back in so that now all three of us were having a conversation:
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Mom:
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Son, thank you for telling Mommy the truth about the stick. Because you told me what really happened, I can trust you more. That means that I will believe what you say. Remember when you were a little boy and you didn’t always tell Mommy what really happened?
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Son:
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(shirking).
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Mom:
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Now you ARE telling me what really happened and you are building trust. That’s a good thing. The more trust you build because you are truthful, the more character you build as well. It helps our relationship grow (and I smiled and kissed him).
But… (looking serious)… Brother told me that you didn’t respect him about moving away from the bottom of the slide. Is that true? Did he ask you to move but you didn’t move?
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Son:
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I guess.
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Mom:
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Brother is growing in character too, and he also is growing in wisdom (I love when Brother beams that precious smile of his). That’s why it’s important that you respect him. He knew that your playing with a stick at the bottom of the slide might cause a problem… and it did. Do you understand why Mommy asks you to respect what Brother asks of you?
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Son:
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(Sheepishly) Yes.
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Mom:
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What should you say to Brother?
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Son:
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Sorry, Brother (they hugged).
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Brother:
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I’m sorry I spoke harshly to you.
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Son:
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I forgive you.
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Mom:
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So what can each of you do differently if something like this happens again?
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Brother:
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I don’t have to speak harshly.
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Son:
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I shouldn’t yell.
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Mom:
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Anything else?
[silence]
What about respect?
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Son:
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I should respect Brother.
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Mom:
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How?
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Son:
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By doing what he asks me.
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Mom:
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Anything else?
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Son:
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I should have come to you, Mommy.
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Mom:
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Or you could have walked away until you calmed down or you could have talked about it, right?
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Son:
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Yes.
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Then we prayed that these lessons would find root in each heart and bear fruit in due time.
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This example addressed child training in these areas:
- Right and wrong (to yell or not to yell; that is the question!)
- Good and bad (identifying each behavior)
- True and false (telling what really happened)
- Relationships (all through the example)
- Family values (we respect each other)
I pray the Lord uses this example to give you at least one “Aha!” moment that you can apply to child training your precious children.
Provoke not your children to wrath
but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
~Ephesians 6:4
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