| Restoring Broken Relationships |
|
Restoring broken relationships requires forgiveness. Because forgiveness is often misunderstood, hurting Christians who truly want to forgive unintentionally do damage to themselves and to their broken relationships.
As you renew your mind about the two-step process of forgiveness, I pray you find hope to live in the reality of your devastating circumstances and courage to address your offender and your own pain.
Forgiveness is a two-step process, as the one who is offended and hurt offers the offender:
-
forgiving love first and then
- reconciling forgiveness, which is the focus of this article.
|
To lay a more solid foundation
in your own mind,
please read the first six articles
in this how to forgive series
before continuing with this article.
|
WHAT
IS
RECONCILING
FORGIVENESS?
Reconciling forgiveness
Is conditional upon
repentance
"If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. ”If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,'
forgive him." ~Luke 17:3-4
|
Forgiving love and reconciling forgiveness are like two sides of the same coin. Both need to be in place in order to restore a broken relationship.
Similar to the two aspects of a covenant,
- forgiving love is an invitation of grace and mercy, or an open door to reconciliation, by the offended to the undeserving offender;
- reconciling forgiveness is a response by the offended to the repentance of the offender.
|
Once you open the door to healing of the broken relationship by offering forgiving or apape love (because you have been prepared to make that offer genuinely), you can be used by the Spirit of God as a minister of reconciliation.
But reconciliation of the broken relationship will not take place until the offender has repented.
Read the above bolded sentence again.
Said another way, reconciliation is withheld—i.e., no forgive and forget—until the offender repents.
When learning how to forgive, many Christians believe they should forgive and forget. This mindset harms both the offended and the offender.
SETTING
BOUNDARIES
Setting boundaries is where the battle for healing broken relationships can get tough. Usually one of two things happens because the one setting the boundaries misunderstands what a boundary is:
- The boundary-setter sets up boundaries as an ultimatum
- The boundary-setter backs down as soon as the offender’s flesh rises up.
Especially for those who really don’t like to battle, setting boundaries will keep you close to the heart of God.
Why?
Because the boundary-setter must continually evaluate (in light of the truth of the Word of God) the changing and sometimes volatile circumstances caused by setting boundaries with the offender.
|
Through learning to set boundaries:
- you will grow and
- you will offer the offender a chance to repent so you can give reconciling forgiveness which will heal the broken relationship.
In most cases, the offender will balk—loudly! The battle for healing the broken relationship begins fiercely at this point.
|
“If I taste both the horror and honor of being involved with people in the mysterious work of growth, I will be drawn to desire even greater change in my life
in order to better facilitate the change in others.”Bold Love
Dr. Dan B. Allender
Dr. Tremper Longman III
|
|
YOUR
GROWTH
|
Restored Relationship
You do not want
the relationship with offender
the way it currently is. Instead, you desire that the offender become the person God intended him to be, if he repents. ~~~~~~~~~~ “We are to hunger for what redemption and the work of repentance might do in our life and in the lives of those we love and those we hate.” Bold Love
|
You will grow as you cooperate obediently with the Spirit of God and…
- powerfully strengthen your inner being with the Word of God
- mightily exercise meekness, which power under Spirit control
- firmly stand in truth
- confidently offer the gospel message of reconciliation and hope
- wisely discern when to speak and when to listen
- courageously extinguish flaming arrows of false accusation against you
- unceasingly pray and simply repent
- genuinely love with the increasing measure of the love of Christ
|
YOUR
OFFENDER’S
GROWTH?
Your offender can choose to grow… or not.
|
You are not responsible for your offender’s growth.
Once you open the door to reconciliation by offering forgiving or agape love, take responsibility for your behavior in the relationship, and set boundaries which offer the offender a chance to genuinely repent, the offender must decide how to respond.
|
Boundaries are not
a simple ultimatum…
They are a part of a
long and often trying process,
which involves more than
just limit-setting.Boundaries in Marriage
Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
|
If the offender chooses not to grow, it may be time for a separation in the relationship while still yearning and praying for reconciliation. Learn more about separation in the Christian devotional, Setting Healthy Boundaries.
IN
CONCLUSION
The lion and the lamb, natural enemies, at peace (Isaiah 11:6)—the perfect picture of reconciliation.
I hope that this series on forgiveness has helped you to take at least one step forward in this sometimes brutal journey of discovering who you are, Who God is, and how to live in this fallen world with hope.
May you be released from what binds you as you learn how to forgive and how to be a minister of reconciliation.
I pray that your broken relationship will be as fully restored as possible while here on earth.
Please contact me with any suggestions for improving this series.
Top of this Restoring Broken Relationships page
Return to Marriage Articles
Return to Foundational Articles
Return to Home Page
|
