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Parenting Overview Series
Develop Grace Based Parenting Skills

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Series Table of Contents

Introduction

Who Is The Struggling Child?

This Article’s Topics:

Moms with grace-based mindsets:

Address their Children’s Hearts

Set Up Children for Success

Validate and Listen to Their Children

As I struggled through learning to parent, one of the first lessons my Teacher, the Holy Spirit, taught me related to grace.

Feeling so overwhelmed with my inadequacy as a parent, I learned to receive His grace when I messed up. As I cried like an unhappy baby or screamed like a spoiled toddler when things weren’t going how I thought they should,

  • The Spirit-in-me gently led me to receive the grace of God.

  • I studied God’s love letter to me, His Word, and believed His promises.

  • I began to worship His Son moment by moment.

The triune God renewed my mind about parenting. As He parented me with His love and grace, drawing me into a closer relationship with Him, I too parented my children in the same way.

I moved away from a rules-based mindset to a grace-based mindset.

My relationships with my teen-aged children—all five of my children (not only the teens)—are strong because I have applied to my parenting the same principles the Spirit applied to His parenting of me.

I pray these three points will renew your mind and set you on the path to developing grace based parenting skills.

Read more about grace

ADDRESS THE HEART

Rules-Based Mindset

A mom with a rules-based mindset sets up every issue as an obedience issue.

Grace-Based Mindset

A mom with a grace based parenting mindset looks at issues from the viewpoint of developing relationship and/or equipping children to make wise decisions.

Therefore, a mom with a grace based parenting mindset does not enter a situation with a command to be obeyed at all costs.

Rather she enters a situation open to listen to her children and ready to pour out her heart overflowing with love and grace.

A grace based parenting mindset is rooted in God’s love which pours forth from you as Godly behavior.

Example

Let’s say mom walks into a young child’s room to help her make her bed, and the child is sitting on the bed and won’t get off.

The rules based parenting mindset thinks, "I need to make a bed; therefore, you, child (who is in the way of my accomplishing that task) need to get off the bed so I can make it." The rules mindset is focused on what needs to be done; the person is in the way of what needs to be done.

The grace based parenting mindset thinks, "A bed needs made, but someone—a child whose life I am stewarding, a child who needs to know he is valued and loved—is sitting on that bed, so it's my opportunity to value that child by validating where she is growing and to train that child whom I love how to relate and make wise choices."

Instead of seeing the child as an obstacle to overcome (i.e., I give a command and you obey), the mom with a grace based parenting mindset sees an opportunity to relate to and train that child.

“Susie, let’s get started with our morning routine. Time to hop off that bed and get it made before you move forward with other things this morning. Do you need some help this morning with any bedroom chores? I see you have put away your jammies already. That’s very responsible and didn’t go unnoticed. You’re growing in self-government and responsibility.”

Return to the Table of Contents

SET UP CHILDREN FOR SUCCESS

In the above example, notice that a mom with a grace based parenting mindset purposefully

  • looks for ways to validate her child’s growth (in responsibility and self-governemnt in that example) and

  • comes alongside her child through the process of training (to make bed in that example).

When training little ones in obedience,
a wise mom will
set up the child for success
by coming alongside the child.

Nothing builds success like success.

Especially when training a young child, give him the benefit of the doubt (mercy) until he shows unequivocally he doesn't want to obey and he's being willful.

We moms can learn to evaluate three things to determine if a child is being willful or simply being a child:

  • Is what my child doing simply childish and that child needs to grow in maturity?

  • Is my child disobeying or does he need trained in this area?

  • Am I giving my child enough time to process the child training he is currently engaged in?

We should expect our children to obey; but we also need to give them time to process the child training they are currently engaged in and set them up to succeed.

Personal Example: Child Training a Young Child

Return to the Table of Contents

VALIDATE AND LISTEN

When moms bark orders and expect immediate obedience without ever securing the child's heart through grace-filled daily interaction, they are setting up constant conflict and should expect more and more conflict as the child grows older.

But if moms can learn to secure the child's heart at a young age, as the child grows up, he or she will want to obey because that child knows she is loved, valued, and listened to.

The grace based parenting mindset always seeks to capture and hold a child’s heart so that the child knows he is loved and valued and that any efforts he may make towards obedience, no matter how feeble, are noticed and validated.

Personal Example: Validating an Older Child

We love
because He first loved us.
~1 John 4:19

~~~~~~~~~~

Lord,
help us to see with Your eyes
just how a Parent
leads, directs, loves,
and captures hearts so we can
let Your Parenting love
permeate our lives.

 Why does a child want to obey?

Because he loves
the person he is obeying.

Why does the child love the person he is obeying?

Because that person
first loved him.

The abiding, grace-based mom
parents her children
with the same grace
that God parents mom!

Return to the Table of Contents

SUMMARY

  • A grace based parenting mindset is rooted in the love of God being poured forth through an abiding mom’s heart.

  • Her behavior towards her children will express the love of God for them.

  • His love draws children to God-in-mom and, consequently, to mom herself.

As mom’s heart is being transformed by the love of God, she will gain wisdom as she focuses on who her children are “BE”coming (heart), not what they are “DO”ing (behavior).

Why?

Because mom herself is experiencing how the love of God
in her own heart
changes her behavior.

She will, therefore, tap into the love of God when training her children because she realizes that their behavior is simply a reflection of what is happening in their hearts.

God’s grace towards mom
translates into mom’s grace towards her children.

Instead of viewing the strife within your homes as personality issues or berating yourself for being a poor parent, view conflict as God's discipline in your children's lives as well as your own. He wants to train you and your children, with grace, to follow Him purposefully so you can walk in the particular path He has chosen uniquely for you.

May He bless you with wisdom and,
most importantly,
His Love and Life to overflowing.

Grow in the grace and knowledge
of our Lord and Savior.
~2 Peter 3:18

Overview
View Conflicts As Opportunities



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