CHRISTIAN PARENTING SERIES
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| Dear Linda, I have been reading about "operating from a proactive mindset" and was wondering if you could help me process a bit. You wrote: |
| “She may not be building relationships with her children, only running them around from one activity to the other or filling their days with curriculum subject matter.” |
| As I have slowed down a great deal now in the holidays I realize even more how the tool of the home is so necessary in building relationship. Without the pressure of the academics it seems I am more relaxed and therefore am able to see better into my children's hearts. This works well without the academics and extra murals but how do I maintain it during term time when I need to do academics? |
Children's hearts pour forth at all times (and so does mom's), including during academics.
For example, my ten-year-old daughter, who is very sensitive to the things of the Lord, had a tendency to whine and stomp her foot whenever she missed something on her math page.
I explained to her that missing the math problem bumped her heart and then asked her, What poured forth? I would talk with her in the way I've talked to all my children over the years: "Making a mistake is not sin; how you respond to correction can or cannot be sin. How are you responding to correction?"
She would begin crying, and I would hold her. We would pray together that she would yield her heart to the Lord praying that she would begin to respond to correction is a Godly way, rather than in the flesh.
The first time she responded to correction without whining and stomping, I pointed out to her that she was obeying the Lord and practicing NOT sinning. She was growing in character.
Now she doesn't respond in the flesh anymore when receiving correction. It was through the academic times at her desk that she saw her own heart and I was able to point her to the Lord.
| My 11-year-old son is a very active, social child and I have felt that he needed to be doing some sport so last term he played a sport for a local school team.This was actually his request also. During that time our days were incredibly pressured trying to fit it all in and being tied down to school times for practices and matches etc. We have a fairly small property so it is in some ways difficult for outdoor activity and that is also one of the reasons the sport was a good option. Last year when he did not play a sport, I tried to get out with the children on the beach etc but he loves ball sports and also team. I realise now that there was no time to build relationship properly and as a result things became a burden instead of a joy. He needs a fair amount of help with his academics at this stage. Linda, I guess what I am asking is how do I bring more of HOME into our lives and at the same time meet the physical need for exercise etc for my son and fit in academics. I feel like I cannot do it all and still feel peaceful. |
I too have a "Tigger" son. He most definitely would be labeled ADD, and he has so much energy, it's unbelievable to me at times. So I understand where you're coming from. I have four other children in addition to this lovable Tigger-y guy, and to maintain peace in my own heart, I simply cannot be involved in the outside-the-home activities. It's just too much for me, and relationships fell apart when I tried to add those extra things (years ago).
I cannot tell you what to do for your family. I can only encourage you to learn to hear the Lord, talk with your husband about your particular circumstances and relationships, and walk together hand in hand in obedience to the Spirit's promptings in your life. It sounds like the Lord IS speaking to you because you wrote, "I realise now that there was no time to build relationship properly and as a result things became a burden instead of a joy. He needs a fair amount of help with his academics at this stage."
Child Training Through Academics
My Tigger also needs a lot of help academically, and whew! he really wears his heart on his sleeve. He is 12 years old now, and each time something new is presented to him, he has to die to his fleshly responses. That process has been difficult for us both, as he gets very frustrated with his lacks (he's so forgetful and misses a lot of things during deskwork). But through this academic process, I have learned to guide him through his strengths and help him to mortify the flesh.
Recently after he missed 14 out of 30 on his math deskwork and we spent about 45 minutes going over some concepts, he said, "That was pretty good, huh? I didn't go crazy even though I missed so many!" Character growth! I kissed and hugged him and thanked him for obeying the Lord and growing in character instead of in the flesh.
Physical Activity
But back to the physical activity and extra sports things. The Lord gives you and your husband the freedom to decide what to do for your family, and your family includes you, dear sister. If you are not at peace and find it hard to maintain relationships, you must include that circumstance, that fact, into your decision-making process as well as your son's need for exercise. The Lord's creativity-in-you and in your husband will help you both to come to a resolution that will glorify God and benefit those in your family, including you.
Here are some energy-releasing ideas we have implemented:
- We allow our son to bounce on an old mattress. He will do this sometimes for up to two hours!
- He also has a pogo stick and stilts that he likes to use to release all his energy.
- Whenever my husband is home (he works from early morning until around 5:00 p.m. or so), my son is with my husband, doing some project around the home.
- We also assign my ever-moving son with chores that are energy-releasing, like vacuuming, taking care of critters (carrying heavy bags of food, for example), shoveling snow off the porch, plus he is very helpful in the kitchen with preparing the meal and cleaning up as well as being in charge of taking out the trash.
- We've found that giving him responsibility to take care of something (now he's watering plants in preparation for our garden) gives him something to remember, which helps is forgetful brain. He actually puts stickers on himself to remind him to do things for which he is responsible.
There are times when I wonder if we should put him in some sort of sport. He has excellent hand-eye coordination and so much energy, but each time we think of that, we consider the cost to the other family members and just can't do it. Plus we found that when he gets around too many people, he becomes absolutely nuts at home! So until we see his character more developed, we don't plan to include any outside-the-home activities.
Plus I simply want to enjoy my son (hard as that is sometimes when his energy is just overwhelming) because one day soon, he'll be an adult and totally walking with the Lord, not needing my help to hear the Lord. My 17 year-old daughter is already at that stage of life, and it's sweet. But seeing how quickly that time passes makes me want to savor it all the more, even though it's draining.
| We have as a family cut back on all activities out of home that would make our lives pressured (weekly church meetings etc) and often refuse requests to go out as we feel that our family time is more important. My husband leaves home about 7:00 and is only home at about 5:00 or so. Obviously there is a solution for each unique family as the Lord leads but just wondering if you have any suggestions, thoughts etc to share from your experience. In many ways I have felt quite isolated and "different" in the choices I have felt the Lord lead me to for my family and yet when we are with others I often get comments (positive) about my children. I think I just battle to put it all together for everybody and still have time for my husband and myself and remain peaceful. I have felt an incredible closeness to the Lord during this season and only He has sustained me. I would not swap that for the world!! Maybe it’s that He often calls us to something bigger than ourselves so that we do just depend on HIM!? Thanks, Linda, for "listening" while I try and make sense of things. Your writings are special to me. |
this dear sister-in-the-Lord, wrote back to me:
| Dear Linda, Thank you for getting back to me and helping me process by sharing from your experience. You wrote: |
“I simply want to enjoy my son (hard as that is sometimes when his energy is just overwhelming) because one day soon, he'll be an adult and totally walking with the Lord, not needing my help to hear the Lord ...But seeing how quickly that time passes makes me want to savor it all the more, even though it's draining. |
| Linda, this makes such sense and I think it is so the Lord's heart for our children. It often takes time to be quiet and still and clearly hear His voice (that's my experience mostly). You know, that ETERNAL focus. When we are so busy with activities that become 'have to's' like sports etc it often just keeps us busy and perhaps distracted from other important things. I realise though extra-murals in themselves are not wrong but it is for me to hear His voice clearly for THIS season. I have often shared with my son how he could be the best cricket, rugby player there is and yet still not know the Lord. My question to him has been, "What is more important?" My prayer is that I would recognize His voice always and that I would be able to teach my children the same. Thanks Linda, just some of my thoughts for now....Much love… |
You're spot on, my dear sister, especially related to the things bolded and underlined above.
Lord, continue to speak to Your precious daughter as You are developing her ears to hear. Praise Your Name!
| Dear Linda,
Hearing His voice for our unique situations is kind of scary at times. I know it should not be but it’s that freedom that comes often when we choose to follow what the Lord is saying and not man or institutions. I realised even more this afternoon how easy it is for one to rely on another person (husband, pastor, whoever) or system to determine which direction to go. Linda, the above ties in with something else you wrote recently: |
“Allow plenty of TIME to train your children in character, as the Lord will be training you too. Expect lots of conflict because you are moving from a binding mindset to a freeing one. Since most of us have always walked in binding mindsets, especially if we were raised through institutions, learning to manage our freedom is a daunting task. We are being released from slavery, in a way, and now have to LEARN to live as free people.” |
| That's how I feel. I went to a boarding school from about the age of six years. I was very homesick and I feel that I am now (age 38) only starting to "see" and experience true freedom in Him and in hearing His voice for my life and children. Perhaps that is why I am also a bit hesitant about my son stopping his sport. It's kinda like the "safer" option (in some ways) for him to carry on........ You also wrote: |
| You know what NOT to do but you still don't know WHAT to do. Children have plenty of imagination, it's simply been stifled by a system rather than encouraged through plenty of TIME. |
I feel that I have been stifled too as I have perhaps followed a system instead of the Lord. And the thought of knowing what NOT to do but not knowing WHAT to do is daunting to me. Thanks, Linda, for helping me "see" true freedom better. |
Dear Sister,
This blesses me so much. This is exactly what I hope to help women see. Managing our freedom is daunting because we've not seen the example before us, which is why we must look to Christ! And you are. Praise Him!
Managing our freedom is a process of allowing sound doctrine to renew our minds as we allow the Lord to use others in our lives to unravel the death clothes that bind us.
As we look to Christ and follow Him, we will be released—freed—to love. Thank You, Jesus!
Thank you again for sharing what the Lord is doing in your life.
With much love,
Linda
there is liberty!
~2 Corinthians 3:17
Mom’s Growth While Raising Children
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My Child ~ His Child - Discipling Reasoning Children
Follow the Crowd! ~ Follow the Lord!- Transition to Standards of Conduct
Rules Address Behavior ~ Principles Reach the Heart - Develop the Tool of Home
Routines ~ the Door to Practicing Standards of Conduct- Example of Honoring
“Don’t Do A Little; Do A Little Extra” - Example of Honoring
Through Practicing Faithfulness - Example of Perseverance
“The Fruit of Discipline is an Increased Skill
that You Will Love to Use” - Examples of Coming Alongside
Enjoy the Process ~ Experience Real Life
- Example of Honoring
- Rejoice in Reality
Let Him Change You ~ Let Him Change Them - A Conversation Between Two Moms
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