CHRISTIAN PARENTING SERIES
PART I
PARENTING YOUNG CHILDREN
A CONVERSATIONBETWEEN TWO MOMS
- Parenting Young Children Introduction
- Establish Grace-Based Rules
- Training in Obedience
- Consequences for Disobedience
- Example of Child Training
- Develop the Tool of Home
- Bringing Your Children Alongside You
- The Beaver Story
- Rejoice in Reality
- A Conversation Between Two Moms
- Discipling Reasoning Children
- Releasing Steadfast Children
- Celebrating Established People of God
After reading the articles about parenting young children, one mom of a three-year-old son emailed me and has agreed to let me share some of her questions and comments with you. Her comments are in italics.
I still find it difficult to decide which rules to set? This difficult process is part of your walk with the Lord. Each family’s life will look different because each child and each family are unique. For example, my son touches his siblings’ things, so I needed to set a rule for him, whereas when I only had one child, I didn’t need to set that kind of rule because she had no other siblings with things to touch.
Related to consequences for disobedience, I have said to my son, “Stop jumping on the couch, otherwise I am going to turn the DVD off.” He will only obey because he wants to continue watching the DVD. The DVD is his reward for obeying and so I could be setting up DVDs as something to be valued? Yes, you are seeing very clearly that the DVD would be his reward. His reward for obeying should be his growing relationship with you (not watching a DVD), although he will not be able to verbalize that at his age. If you continue to “reward” him with things or privileges,
as he matures, he will only perform for you
when you give him more things or more privileges.
Would it be better to spank, and then carry on watching the DVD until it’s finished? You would spank ONLY IF you have made that rule—no jumping on the couch—clear to him. Spanking is a serious thing, as I have mentioned. You do not just say it once and then whap! spank him. You sit with him, hold him near you as you talk about not jumping, and explain that he must learn to listen for your voice and obey. If you know for sure that he understands this and he purposefully jumps on the couch anyway, just to test you, then the spank is necessary. If he jumps on the couch because he is in the excitement of a moment, then you can extend grace as you train him through his childish behaviors. Pray moment by moment for the Lord to give you discernment into your son’s heart. We moms can usually tell when a child is being defiant; but we need to learn to discern what to do for childish and out-of-control behaviors that the child repeats, like jumping on the couch. Relationship with the Lord and with your child,
not a multitude of rules,
will guide you through this process.
Can you only establish one rule: “Obey mom”? Then mom must make sure that her ‘demands’ are realistic for the age and situation, all the while with a grace-based mindset? “Obey mom” is the underlying principle. Your child-specific rules will be based in the principles of honor and obedience.
I like the pro-activity idea, starting with training in a positive way through calling them to come to you. However, with my 3yr old, I didn’t call him to come to me soon enough. So when he did ‘run away,’ I was not consistent at all and didn’t realize what seeds I was actually sowing. Now, as I am in the process of correcting this, he will still disobey other commands that have nothing to do with coming to me when called. For example, getting dressed and brushing his teeth. It is always a battle. Perhaps I have already sown a seed in that when we don’t have to go out, I don’t insist that he get dressed. But, if I have to go out, then he doesn’t co-operate to get dressed and I end up giving up and ‘threatening’ to leave without him because he obviously doesn’t want to come with me! Terrible I know, it does not address heart etc. etc. But, I have not spanked for this because I thought he was just being childish? Again, hear the Lord on this issue. Set the rule—“you must cooperate with Mommy about getting dressed. Honor me with your obedience”—and set the consequence. Then carry it out. Continue to learn to hear from the Lord about what you should do for your particular circumstances. That’s the purpose of the intensity of this stage:
for you, the mom,
to learn to seek and to hear from God.
But, if I have asked, pleaded, cajoled, given him five minutes and then come back etc. etc. and he still won’t co-operate, then surely he’s willfully disobeying? For sure. You really shouldn’t have to beg or plead, although I have done those things myself as I was growing in understanding this process of parenting young children. Perhaps that’s why the Lord blessed us with five children—so I could learn this lesson. Give yourself lots of grace as you work through this process. Lots of grace. God has much grace for your process. You are His growing child,
learning to walk to Him
so you can walk with Him.
He loves you!
I want him to obey me because he loves me and he needs to learn to obey God for the same reason, not because we are going somewhere ‘special’ (reward) or because I may leave him (punishment). When children are young, they need those well established boundaries. You are expressing love to him when you establish boundaries. Controlling his environment and behavior externally actually is the Law that will lead him to love Christ-in-you and ultimately to love Christ.
I understand that spanking should be used carefully and infrequently but what about if you are just starting out? Some days I feel like I should be spanking for many things! And there have been times in the past where I have done this (not with enough love though, and a bit of anger thrown in!) and our relationship deteriorates and I feel we go down into this spiral that is out of control. I do realize why that happened and since I have been spanking less, no anger, much love etc. it is much better. But, I feel there are areas where the willful disobedience is not being addressed. Would you recommend to start with one particular area first before moving on to the next? Yes! As you noted, the principle “Obey Mommy’s voice” will be the basis of the rules you set. You can apply that one principle to many negative behaviors. As you set specific rules for your child,
you are training your son to hear your voice and cheerfully obey,
just like God is training you to hear His Voice and cheerfully obey.
I am now clear on ‘what to do’ and ‘how to do it’ when it comes to training in obedience, but I am unsteady on ‘when’ to do it, and ‘which’ rules are applicable. You have received from the Lord the clarification you need, so now you can work on your relationship with the Lord to answer the “when” and “which” questions. I do not have the answers for you.
I can only point you to the One who does. It looks like the Lord has used me in that way—to point you to Him—and now you are FREE to relate to Him for your particular relationships and circumstances. Isn’t it wonderful to be a part of the Body of Christ, to be a daughter of the King? Abba is waiting for you to lift your heart to Him.
He will not forsake you
as His Spirit leads you through this process,
for your benefit and His glory!
Enjoy the journey!
Train up a child.
~Proverbs 22:6
Four-Part Series
Mom’s Growth While Raising Children
Links and Navigation Help
- Parenting Young Children
My Child ~ His Child - Discipling Reasoning Children
Follow the Crowd? ~ Follow the Lord! - Releasing Steadfast Children
Stewarding My Child ~ Releasing His Child - Celebrating Established People of God
My Child Established ~ His Child Established
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