Parenting young children can sometimes leave us moms… uh, perplexed, to say the least, and downright angry at times because we just don’t know what to do. When you’re at your wit’s ends with child-training young ones, let the Lord renew your mind. When perplexed about how to handle a certain child-training situation, I have found it helpful to distinguish between when to
This gradual process of moving from rules to Standards of Conduct is fluid. In other words, it’s not that one day you are setting up rules, and then next day you throw rules out the window and talk about Standards of Conduct. They overlap at times.
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Child training is heavily rules-oriented for very young children.
For example, you may establish a rule of no biting for the child who likes to bite. Then as you move closer in relationship with your child and as the child matures, you will talk more about the principles behind the rules. You may choose to use the tool of spanking wisely (not spanking in anger) for biting. Then before the spank or immediately afterwards, you will comment, “Biting is not honoring,” which begins the process of planting the seed of the principle of honor.
PRINCIPLES
FOR
REASONING
CHILDREN
As children mature and negative outward behaviors begin to wane, child training becomes more heavily focused on the principles behind the rules, which translate into your home’s Standards of Conduct.
The age of the child is not the determining factor for when to begin talking about principles (which translate into Standards of Conduct) with your children; maturity is.
Some children, who are more physical perhaps or on a more relaxed cognitive development timetable, may need rules for quite a long time, accompanied by a little training about the principles behind the rules.
Other children very readily understand the principles (outlined in your home’s Standards of Conduct) at very young ages and, therefore, don’t require a long period of time to move towards principle-based choices.
OVERLAP
WHILE
TRANSITIONING
Rules and Standards of Conduct will overlap through the season of parenting young children, with a vision that this dual process will free children and parents from being rule-followers as the children and parents mature. Instead, both children and parents will become steadfast in the principles of God that set the stage for abundant life.
Where the Lord was growing me during the time my children were young was in the area of understanding my Godly authority as a parent. What I had observed was abuse-of-authority or over-permissive parenting styles, and I knew neither of those yielded the fruit that Godly obedience (on my part) would yield. So through my many struggles during that "season of young children," I prayed that God would teach me about authority. And my faithful Lord did just that.
Godly authority as a parent, as with any authority, is to lay down my life and serve. Serving my children involves discipling them, teaching them, disciplining them, instructing them—all while loving them. I thought I could reason with them when they were very young but found I could not. Galatians 3:24 helped me to understand that I needed to use the law as a schoolmaster to bring my children to Christ I knew this because this is what God had done in my own life as He parented me. When I “broke the law,” I experienced some sort of pain as a consequence. I needed to apply that understanding to my child training as well. I learned to restrain the outbursts that came from my children, just like God was restraining the outbursts that came from me. Then, as I developed the tool of home, I also learned that I needed to restrain not only what came out of their hearts and minds but also what went in to their hearts and minds. I didn’t establish many rules when my children were young, only what was needful for each particular child. Within the rules were blessing (inner reward of deepening relationship) and cursing (pain); i.e., I instructed my children about what behavior was expected and also instructed them about what would happen if they chose to break that rule.
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Let’s say your young child becomes quite angry when trying to piece toys together. Perhaps he is building a bridge with train tracks and the bridge falls over, which causes him to roar with anger and maybe pick up the train track and throw it. You know that he is lacking in self-control. But at age three or four, if you say that to him, he’ll most likely try to pick you up and throw you! You make a little mental note that you need to pray about how to help him with his lack of self-control. Perhaps this should be a Standard of Conduct for your home one day.
But for the moment, you need to do something practical to help him get a grip on his anger. You go to him and pick him up (if you can. I know sometimes children in a rage need a little time to cool down). When you’re finally holding him and he’s calm, you might say something like this: “Darlin’, I know it’s frustrating when things don’t work the way you want them to work. Mommy gets frustrated sometimes too. But I don’t scream out like that.” [Uh-oh, Mom, if you do act out like that, God will start speaking to you through the words you are about to say to your child.] “When you want to scream out like that, stop what you’re doing and then ask Mommy or Daddy for help. Like this,” and then sit with him on the floor and play-act what he did, so he can see the foolishness of his actions, and then show him how you expect him to behave when this problem arises again.
Vision for the future: Using the example above, as you are focusing on correcting your child’s behavior through these rules, you are also moving toward Life-giving principles. Because you are moving toward principles, as your children grow older you won’t need to make thousands of rules and then lose track of them because they will begin living within Life-giving principles. Return to the Table of Contents
Establishing rules for young children reflects the Law. The Law, which is written on every person’s heart (Romans 2:15) in the form of a conscience, confirms to each of us what is right and wrong. Rules at this stage of child training are very black and white. for a young child are rooted in the principles of Honor and Obey.
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Don't let parenting your little ones become a battle of the wills. Rather,
we were kept in custody under the law being shut up to the faith which was later to be revealed.
Therefore the Law has become our tutor
Other articles in this Parenting Young Children series:
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