CHRISTIAN PARENTING SERIES
PART I
PARENTING YOUNG CHILDREN

ESTABLISH GRACE-BASED RULES

Rules Address Behavior ~ Principles Reach the Heart

1. Parenting Young Children Introduction
   
   • Establish Grace-Based Rules
     
     • Training in Obedience
       
     • Consequences for Disobedience
       
     • Example of Child Training
       
   • Develop the Tool of Home
     
     • Bringing Your Children Alongside You
       
     • The Beaver Story
       
   • Rejoice in Reality
     
   • A Conversation Between Two Moms
     
2. Discipling Reasoning Children
   
3. Releasing Steadfast Children
   
4. Celebrating Established People of God

When discussing child-training processes, it is helpful to differentiate between “rules” and “Standards of Conduct.”

Why?

Because rules help young children to understand right and wrong, and Standards of Conduct lead reasoning children to more evaluative thinking about heart matters. Rules can be likened to the Law that leads us to Christ; Standards of Conduct, to the Life-giving relationship with Christ in the Spirit.

This gradual process of moving from rules to Standards of Conduct is fluid. In other words, it’s not that one day you are setting up rules, and then next day you throw rules out the window and talk about Standards of Conduct.

Usually child training is heavily rules-oriented for very young children (you may establish a rule of no biting, for example). Then as Mom moves closer in relationship with her child, she talks more about the principles behind the rules. She may be spanking the child for biting and comment, “Biting is not honoring,” which begins the process of planting the seed of the principle of honor.

As children mature and negative outward behaviors begin to wane, child training becomes more heavily focused on the principles behind the rules, which translate into your home’s Standards of Conduct.

The age of the child is not the determining factor for when to begin talking about principles (which translate into Standards of Conduct) with your children; maturity is. Some children, who are more physical perhaps or on a more relaxed cognitive development timetable, may need rules for quite a long time, accompanied by a little training about the principles behind the rules. Other children very readily understand the principles (outlined in your home’s Standards of Conduct) at very young ages and, therefore, don’t require a long period of time to move towards principle-based choices.

Rules and Standards of Conduct will overlap through the season of parenting young children, with a vision that this dual process will free children and parents from being rule-followers as the children and parents mature. Instead, both children and parents will become steadfast in the principles of God that give Life.

Where the Lord was growing me during the time my children were young was in the area of understanding my Godly authority as a parent. What I had seen was abuse of authority or over-permissiveness, and I knew neither of those yielded the fruit that Godly obedience (on my part) would yield. So through my many struggles during that "season of young children," I prayed that God would teach me about authority. And my faithful Lord did just that.

Godly authority as a parent, as with any authority, is to lay down my life and serve. Serving my children involves discipling them, teaching them, disciplining them, instructing them—all while loving them.

I thought I could reason with them when they were very young but found I could not. Galatians 3:24 helped me to understand that I needed to use the law as a schoolmaster to bring my children to Christ

I knew this because this is what God had done in my own life as He parented me. When I “broke the law,” I experienced some sort of pain as a consequence. I needed to apply that understanding to my child training as well. I learned to restrain the outbursts that came from my children, just like God was restraining the outbursts that came from me. Then, as I developed the tool of home, I also learned that I needed to restrain not only what came out of their hearts and minds but also what went in to their hearts and minds.

I didn’t establish many rules when my children were young, only what was needful for each particular child. Within the rules were blessing (inner reward of deepening relationship) and cursing (pain); i.e., I instructed my children about what behavior was expected and also instructed them about what would happen if they chose to break that rule.

Let’s say your young child becomes quite angry when trying to piece toys together. Perhaps he is building a bridge with train tracks and the bridge falls over, which causes him to roar with anger and maybe pick up the train track and throw it. You know that he is lacking in self-control. But at age three or four, if you say that to him, he’ll most likely try to pick you up and throw you! You make a little mental note that you need to pray about how to help him with his lack of self-control. Perhaps this should be a Standard of Conduct for your home one day.

But for the moment, you need to do something practical to help him get a grip on his anger. You go to him and pick him up (if you can. I know sometimes children in a rage need a little time to cool down). When you’re finally holding him and he’s calm, you might say something like this:

“Darlin’, I know it’s frustrating when things don’t work the way you want them to work. Mommy gets frustrated sometimes too. But I don’t scream out like that.” [Uh-oh, Mom, if you do act out like that, God will start speaking to you through the words you are about to say to your child.] “When you want to scream out like that, stop what you’re doing and then ask Mommy or Daddy for help. Like this,” and then sit with him on the floor and play-act what he did, so he can see the foolishness of his actions, and then show him how you expect him to behave when this problem arises again.

You continue, “Darlin’, if you scream out like that again and throw a toy, you will be disobeying Mommy. When you disobey, there is pain. Mommy will have to spank you if you scream out or throw your toys again.”

And so you’ve made the rule—no throwing toys, no screaming out—and you’ve set the consequence—pain for disobedience. It is crystal clear what behavior is expected and what consequence will happen for disobedience. Behind every rule is a principle (self-control in this case); but this season of young children is heavily rules-oriented, and that is what you have established: a rule.

You may focus on this one thing for a period of time. Perhaps you need to post this one thought—no throwing toys, no screaming out—by your bed, on your fridge, on your computer screen, in the book you’re reading, so you don’t forget that this is the one thing you are working on with this particular child until it is under control. Then you can move to the next thing.

As you are focusing on correcting your child’s behavior through these rules, you are also moving towards Life-giving principles. You won’t need to make thousands of rules and then lose track of them. Instead, work on one or two things at a time.

If you are a mom who screams out and throws things (either literally or maybe you “throw a fit”), God will be speaking to your own heart through this process.

Just like you have come alongside your child, He will come alongside you to help you through your frustrations. If you disobey Him and “throw a fit” because of your frustration, you will experience the pain of disobedience as your relationships will become harder to manage and enjoy because of your lack of self-control. Your relationship with the Lord will also experience a breach until you repent.

Establishing rules for young children reflects the Law. The Law, which is written on every person’s heart (Romans 2:15) in the form of a conscience, confirms to each of us what is right and wrong. Rules at this stage of child training are very black and white.

These two principles, established with child-specific rules, parallel how God is parenting Mom through this season of young children. God wants to come alongside Mom to teach her to hear His Voice and honor Him with cheerful obedience. As Mom grows through this process, she will be better equipped to teach her younger children how to hear her voice and honor her with cheerful obedience.

Child-specific rules are… well, child specific. For example, my first-born didn’t need a rule, “Don’t touch your siblings’ things” because she didn’t have any siblings. My fifth child did. “Don’t touch your siblings’ things” is based in the principles of honor and self-control, which are part of our home’s Standards of Conduct. None of my children were biters, so we never had a rule for that. But if you have a child who bites, you may need to establish that rule at a young age.

I offer these other specific examples for your prayerful consideration:

As you love your children through exercising Godly authority in their lives by establishing a few grace-based rules as outlined in this article, you are building a foundation of honor and obedience for coming alongside your reasoning children at a later time.

Keep that child-training vision before you at this stage of your children’s development.

1. Parenting Young Children
   My Child ~ His Child
   • Establish Grace-Based Rules
     Rules Address Behavior ~ Principles Reach the Heart
     • Training in Obedience
       Call Your Child to Come to You

     • Consequences for Disobedience
       Obedience Brings Blessing ~ Disobedience Brings Pain

     • Example of Child Training
       Right or Wrong?

   • Develop the Tool of Home
     Focused ~ Non-Artificial ~ Intense
     • Bringing Your Children Alongside You
       Enjoy the Process ~ Experience Real Life

     • The Beaver Story
       Restrain External Influences

   • Rejoice in Reality
     Let Him Change You ~ Let Him Change Them

   • A Conversation Between Two Moms
     Heart to Heart

2. Discipling Reasoning Children
   Follow the Crowd? ~ Follow the Lord!

3. Celebrating Established People of God
   My Child Established ~ His Child Established

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